Aside

February 4- A challenge I’ve overcome

A challenge I’ve overcome is my nervousness. Well… I haven’t totally overcome it. It’s more like an ongoing process. In truth, I’m overcoming it every day, more or less; some days better than others. I guess in a sense, you could say that I’ve gotten better at it in terms of controlling it. It was worse when I was a child. I wasn’t born with it. It developed after I became a victim of bullying in 2nd grade.

I wouldn’t say I was talkative as a child, but I wasnt afraid of speaking either. But after my stuttering developed, I was afraid to even open my mouth. My stuttering has come and gone. In situations where I felt comfortable, no one would be able to tell that I even had a stutter. When I talk with my brothers, I speak normally, no stuttering in sight. However, when I’m in situations I’m not comfortable with such as meeting new people, presentations 😢, phone calls 😢😢 (even though I’m afraid of talking to people, I would still rather talk in person rather than talk to someone over the phone), etc. It’s hard but hey!, it’s life. Yes, I get angtsy at times because I’m nervous. Yes, I might want to throw in the towel every now and then. And yes!, sometimes I might have to actually throw in the towel and admit defeat. But I won’t let that stop me from doing what I love the most. Teaching!

Standstill

My mind sends its message

And my voice gallops,

Suddenly coming to a halt at my lips.

And it stops

unable to reach its full potential.

It stops at my lips

Because it’s terrified of your eyes,

So wide,

So vivid,

So real.

It’s scared to be heard.

It falls short and just crumbles on my tongue,

Falling out in pieces.

SORT IT OUT

It’s like my mind is telling me

BRACE YOURSELF

THE WORST IS ON ITS WAY

Deep Waters

And then it begins.
Molten lava wedged in between
The crevices of my heart,
Piercing reddish orange.
The words from my mouth stumble out,
Tripping and falling,
Causing the others behind them
To miss their step
And come to a full stop.
Twenty one and half pair of eyes
In my direction… Lying in wait.
My words take too long to recover,
But there they are.
Still.
Waiting.
I wish I too could look them back in the eyes,
All twenty one and half of them.
I wish I too could watch them as they watch me. Intently.

S   I   L   E   N   C   E

A shadowed hand strangulates
As I struggle to escape from its grasp.
I…can’t…breathe!
My lungs burn as if I’ve been running,
Far too long,
As if I’ve been held captive in a closed room,
The water slowly climbing up
My feet…
Hips…
Chin.
My hands reach out in desperation.
My hands reach out into nothingness.
Take a deep breath.
Inhale…
I can’t
Exhale…
Do this…
I can’t.
Inhale…
My breathing and talking are out of sync,
My brain can’t seem to make up its mind.
Should I breathe first,
Then talk or talk,
Then breathe first.
It tries too much.
So much…that ultimately
I’m the one who gets stuck in between.

s   i   l   e   n   c   e

Everything stops.
The eyes, the thoughts,
My words.
They stop coming forth,
But my body still doesn’t respond.
My ears steam out hot air,
My cheeks flush against
The calmness of the room.
Show me the way out.